TOTAL MOM- Dating.

Being a single mom in the “dating” world, I often get asked, “what do you do for fun?” The answer is always, spend time with my kids. I like hiking, going to the park, going arcades, all the fun stuff, and I enjoy doing it with my children.

The second question is “what do you do with your free time?” my answer, what is free time?

Thirdly, if (and very rarely) they make it far enough to hang out I spend all my time talking about my kids, showing them pictures of my babies.

If they get invited to hang out at my house, they have to wait until after bedtime (I don’t let men meet my children) where they will find toys in hidden spots including the couches, the bed, and you may step on one going down the hall and this will be after I spent all day cleaning, but my daughter had just enough time before bed to place them back around the house! OH,’ and the best part, more than likely we are watching Disney movies, and I’ll sing along to all the best songs. Then they may think that since they’ve made it this far and sat through Beauty and the Beast now they’re going to make it to my bed. Well, Sure! Why not?I’m extremely tired, sleep sounds GREAT!

What can I say? I’m a TOTAL MOM! can you believe it?

That’s actually what someone said to me, and while I don’t believe they meant it as one – I took it as a huge compliment. They are right; I am a “total mom” from head to toe. My clothes, makeup, eye bags, car, home, everything about me says “I am a mom.” and I am not ashamed. I’m proud that I am a mother; and a damn good one at that!

So, I guess I don’t talk dirty enough, dress sexy enough, or party hard enough to be top girlfriend material. Maybe, I’d have to change to find someone. But if that’s the case I’ll remain single forever.

Being a mom is my life. It’s my greatest accomplishment and the best part of my life.

 

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Me? An Approval Addict? Guilty!

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As I set down to self-reflect today, i have concluded something about myself.

I worry way too damn much about what other people think of me, and it affects my life more than I have ever realized. Worrying about others opinions takes away from who I truly am, what I believe in and what I enjoy. How do you ask? Let me explain.

There have been times in my life when I have become very passionate about something – whether it be volunteering at an animal shelter, taking a class, or just something as simple as a new outfit I bought or new furniture whatever it may have been I for some reason found myself over the moon in excitement. So naturally, I go to tell someone about this new and exciting discovery; but when I share my excitement, my audience does not share the enthusiasm. In fact, they roll their eyes and completely ignore that I’ve said anything at all. Now, instead of feeling excited, i’m feeling stupid. I feel as though since this audience looked at me like I was crazy- maybe I am. So from now on, if I find that something so small makes me happy – I should just keep it to myself and pretend that it’s just another day.

I also have this “I care too much” problem when it comes to being a parent. You see I am a single mother, I don’t have anyone to discuss decisions with when it comes to my children, and I find that a lot of times it would be helpful to have that second party opinion. In the back of my head, I also know that the only reason I think this is because I doubt my ability and worry what other people are going to think about the conclusion.

There are many other fears I have when it comes to the way other people may see me. Want a list?

– I fear that some clothes I wear make people look at me and think “she’s too fat to wear that” even if the out fit is simply a tank top and workout pants.

– When I’m eating in public, I fear that people watch me and think “she must be such a pig.”

– I am afraid my family and friends think I’m a screw up because I’m single and have two kids.

– I think people label me like a slut because I have two kids.

– I worry people at the grocery store think I’m an awful mother when my two-year-old is having a melt down because she can’t have everything she wants.

– I also fear that no matter what I do it’s never going to be good enough for certain people.

These are all just a piece of things I find myself thinking every single day. I’m constantly in worry that I’ll never be accepted and all I want to do is “fit in.” I want people to look at me and say “she’s beautiful.” I want people to see how I love my kids and say ” she’s such a great mom.” However, the truth is – I don’t know that they aren’t saying these things. I only “think” I know what people think or say about me.

It’s not other people that are making me so self-conscious, it’s my mind.

After thinking of all the things, I fear when it comes to other peoples opinions I turned to google. Google has convinced me that I am an “approval addict.” Is being an approval addict as bad as being a drug addict? Possibly so.

Being a drug addict changes who you are, it changes how you think, act, and live and all in a negative fashion. Well, what does being an approval addict do? It changes who you are. Instead of living freely you’re walking a straight line and making sure that everything you do is worthy of others approval. You’re spending tons of money on the top brands even though the cheaper brands may make you more comfortable or even satisfy your tastes more. You’re missing out on things that make you happy, because someone else may tell you that it’s weird or less than acceptable. You’re making decisions based on what other people want rather than what you want. In short if your an approval addict you’re not living your life – your living the life others approve for you to have.

Here are some fun facts to remember when your anxiety is on a high worried about what all these other people may or may not think about you.

1. You have no control over what other people think about you.
It’s true; you have no control over what someone else thinks about you. You can do everything right, be kind and bend over backward for people and in the end, they may still think less of you. It isn’t your fault- it’s not even a reflection of you. It’s only their mind making up anything it wants to put their label on your forehead, and this is all they are going to see. You can spend your days dwelling over their label, or you can move on to bigger and better things.

2. It’s none of your business what others think of you.
I know, this one a hard concept to grasp. I mean it’s about you so shouldn’t you be entitled to know? No, you aren’t. An opinion belongs to the person who has it. They are not required to share what they think about you any more than they are required to cook you dinner every night. That’s just how it is. Your opinion of yourself is the only opinion you’re entitled to know- it’s also the only one that should matter!

So how do you being weaning off your approval addiction?

Just like any addiction, it’s not going to be easy, and it’s certainly not going to happen quickly. You have to learn how to control your thoughts and anxiety. Start by looking in the mirror and telling the person looking back at you that they are beautiful and worthy. Don’t stare at your flaws, your extra tummy flub, your jiggly arms, your stretch marks or any other “imperfect” body part. Look into your own eyes and see the person that you truly are.

Now, every time you’re out and start to feel that sense of “what are thinking about me” Remember who you saw in the mirror and dance around like the princess (or prince) you are!.

-Brittney.

Thought Changing. My plan to self rebuild.

“ If you have the same damn thoughts, you’re going to have the same damn day”

It’s no secret that my life has been bit of a rough patch lately. My personal struggles have taken ahold of me and really had me down lately. The more I’ve found myself thinking about it –the more I realize that there’s really no logical reason for me to fell so low. There’s nothing in my life that is breaking, I have 2 amazing kids, A big happy Golden retriever to come home to. My family is happy, healthy and overall well. The only real issues I have are the normal run of the mill single mom money stress- and even its slowly filling itself out (or so I’m going to tell myself).  I honestly have no clue where this sadness within me is coming from(other than just being depressed). So, I’ve reached a conclusion.

Depression isn’t going to beat me. I’m going to overcome it.

Every feeling we have is tied to the thoughts floating around in our heads. Our thoughts control the emotions we are feeling, based on the negative or positive thought. There are thing we cannot control, but our thoughts are not one of those things. There are times when our lives feel like a complete disaster, when we don’t understand why it has to be this way. In these times we must remember that it’s not our lives that are a disaster it’s our thoughts that are making them this way. Sure, bad things will happen and some things are out of our control, sure things will undoubtedly come along that will make us sad or mad, but at the end of the day we can choose to change our thought process. We can choose to think of this uncontrollable event as something positive.

We can choose, to make ourselves happy.

For the next month I am taking on a self –challenge. I will be using online resources to self-coach myself on having a more positive life. I’ll give my self-Goals to reach and things to accomplish. These can be simple things like Reaching out to more people, going on a date, meeting with a friend-  things that for you may be easy- things that I normally feel uncomfortable about and avoid. Part of this challenge is to keep a journal and do assessments so to keep myself accountable I will be sharing these with you as well as sharing how doing this makes me feel.

If you have any article/blog/book or online course suggestions that may help my journey please share in the comments!

 

This is me – reaching out.

XOXO Brittney.

Tomorrow. Another day with Anxiety.

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TOMORROW.

Tomorrow I am going to get up early, shower, put on makeup, dress nice, be motivated and get to places on time.

Tomorrow is going to be a new start. I’m going to stop feeling so down.

Tomorrow I’m going to reach out and make new friends, and reconnect with old ones.

Tomorrow…..always seems to beat me.

 

The alarm goes off. I feel to tired, not a normal I’m just sleeping well and don’t want to move tired. A I’m exhausted out of fear tired.

My head feels like its spinning, I have a 18 wheeler laying on my chest and my breaths are short and forced. My brain tells me “maybe 5 more minutes will help”, so I press snooze and close my eyes.

Three hours later I wake up – late. I’m late for work; I’ve missed the babysitters and dropping my son off at camp. My parents are texting me why I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do …..Again. I’m angry. I’m made with myself for once again failing to be responsible and I’m mad that I already feel bad enough and yet I’m being judged and made to feel worse by people that have no idea how much of a struggle it is. I’m upset enough to drive myself into an anxiety attack, which only delays my lateness – that much further.

The remainder of the day I pretty much just feel like a failure. I drop off my kids and can feel all the eyes on me and the judgements people are making about being such a damn irresponsible adult/mother (even though they probably aren’t).  When all is done I get in the car, try to control my breathing and the dizziness that’s crept its way on me making me feel like I’m going to pass out.

I continue on my way to work- 3 hours late- once again anticipating all the stares and judgements as I walk to my desk (again- probably not happening).

When  5 rolls around I’ll head back to my parents, probably get a few questions about why I was late or why I didn’t tell the sitter- I’ll feel worse. I’ll sit down on the couch with intensions of resting for a few minutes and then doing something productive that needs to be done, but more than likely I’ll sit down and give into my emotional exhaustion falling asleep and napping the rest of the afternoon (which will only make me feel guilty when I wake up).

And so starts my nightly pattern of “planning to do better tomorrow”.

With my anxiety tomorrow never seems to come; at least not the tomorrow that I want. Instead it only brings more panic attacks and failures. More stares and judgments (that aren’t there). More disappointments, more not being good enough.

I’m drowning in tomorrows, and it’s getting harder to fight.

 

Books..Books…Books… I’ve read so many Books!

My goal this summer was to read as many books as possible, and i must say i’ve done pretty dang good at achieving this goal! I’ve completed about 10 books in the last month. Each book being a random selection I fell upon at the library during my various visits.

Since i loved them so, here are some of my favorites!

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First up: Sleeping with strangers and Waking with Enemies by Eric Jerome Dickey.

I picked up Sleeping with strangers on my first trip to the public library. I was scanning the shelves and was captured by the title.

I was NOT disappointed- well, okay i was but only because i didn’t know there was a sequel and had to wait until the day after finishing it to go find the second book!

Anyways, This book is for those that like a thrill. It’s mysterious, seductive and will make you wish you had a Gideon in your life (and i don’t mean Gideon Cross- if you’ve read the cross fire books, these books may give those a run for their money!)

“Gideon” is a hired killer with a complicated past, he’s recent target being a rapper in Tampa, FL. As always he completes his mission but someone has now turned him into the hunted instead of the hunter. He flees the country, just to meet to lovely women on his flight – one is leaving the country to meet her boyfriend – the other fleeing from a divorce. What takes place between them is something all us girls can be jealous of! Now i’d tell you more, but i don’t want to spoil the fun- Go pickup the books and be intrigued, you wont be sorry!

 

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Second: Sunday’s at Tiffany’s by James Patterson

This ones for those of you that like a good romance novel.  Could you imagine being 8 years old and your only friend being a fairly handsome imaginary friend? Can you imagine him telling you on your 9th birthday you’ll wake up- he will be gone and you wont even remember him ever being there?

Okay, so imagine that- then picture yourself waking up on your 9th birthday, finding your best friend gone but your memory of him still intact. You remember him every day of your life- even once your an adult. Then  one day; in your favorite diner – he’s there. He’s back – you see him across the room and it’s as if he was never gone. What would you do? What could this mean?

Read the novel and fall in love!

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Third (and possibly my favorite) : Shatter me; Destroy me: Unravel me; Fracture me.

All i can say about these are GO GET THEM! I couldn’t put them down (literally read all of them within a week). A mix of mystery, adventure, romance, twists and turns. You’ll get wrapped in them- I promise!

 

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Fourth: The master bedroom by Tessa Hadley

The master bedroom was another story I got caught in (okay, maybe i get caught in them all). Kate moves back home to take care of her elderly mother, but she never expected to fall for two men while she’s back and she definitely never expected them to be a father and his teenage son. The ironic twist and turns in her encounters will keep you reading!

 

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Lastly (for now): Because you’re mine by Colleen Coble.

Again, a random choose i made off the Newly released shelf at the library and OMG i couldn’t put it down. I got so wrapped up in the character’s, I was kept on my toes the entire book and every-time i thought I had it figured out – I didn’t.

It’s a one of a kind love story; if your a sucker for true love and romance – pick it up. you will NOT wont to put it down.

That’s it for now!

-Brittney.

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This book.
So raw.
So raw
Such truth.

Its so hard for outsiders to understamd and grasp the concept of an eating disorder, or any mental illness for that matter. People whom havent personally dealt with and experienced them just dont understand the hell those of us that do go through.

Its not as easy as “just do it”. We cant “just be happy”, “just forget”, “just eat”, or “just keep our food down”. Do we know that what we are doing or how we feel is wrong? Or bad for us?

The answer is yes, we do. But theres a devil on our shoulder and a voice in our head thats stronger than our knowledge of right and wrong. Theres something, that at some point as broken our worth and made us believe that unless we do this ……….we are bad.

If we eat, we will be fat, ugly and unloveable. Sometimes we think we can control it, constrict it. Then maybe we take in just a little to much. Our minds race and our stomachs cringe. We shouldn’t have. To many calories, to much sugar, we are already bloating -it has to be gone. It just has to, there is no other way.

Its not always about the food. Perhaps something happened. Perhaps things are crashing around us and the only since of control we have at that moment and time is over our bodies.  Those few minutes of purging will release the tension of being out of control. It tricks us into believing we are still in control.

We know the consequences.  Weve read the books, the theories, the studies but theres bo way we would ever let it go that far. We are different, we have control. At any point in time we could stop, its just right now we dont want to…..maybe tomorrow, yes, tomorrow will be the last.

Ive personally had a million “tomorrows”. Ill do well, going weeks or even months without an episode. However, i always go back. I always at some point need it. I need to get fit for that bathin suit, or im stressed and i need control back.  It starts off as just once or time but then im dragged right back in and i crave it. I think about purging before i ever even put food in my mouth. . Ill try to fight it. But ultimately, it will win. Its not something im proud of, and not something i ever want to see any friend or family have.

I have no clue why i started.  I really cant remember a time in my life when i wasnt bulimic.  I believe it was in middle school, i can place moments in my head where i can remember the thought that throwing uo might keep my stomach from bloating. . I was the bigger girl out of a bunch of thinner fit girls i spent most of my time with  (sports) . I can remember hearing them talk about their weight….seeing them in clothes i wouldnt be able to fit a leg in. I can remember hating hotels with pools or lake times when we were all together.  I guess, looking back ….i just never seen myself as beautiful-only fat.  The boys didnt want me, i wasnt very popular…and i was kind of a loner….. i thought i just wasnt enough and those thoughts and feelings have pretty much followed me ever since.

Bulimia has always been the devil on my shoulder-the voice in my head.

If youve never been in my shoes…or anyones shoes whoms fought these battles, youll never fully understand how strong the demon is.

Personally, i hope you never do.
I hope you never experience the devil.
And if that means you never understand …thats ok.

FAILURE OF A PARENT.

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Yup! You read it right, I admit it- I’m a failure.

A failure at what you ask? – At being a parent.

Don’t get me wrong, I try my best but sometimes it just seems so impossible. My kids expect so much of me. Take yesterday for example, it went something like this:

Failure 1:

It started off first thing in the morning when I told my son to take a bath. He’d been camping all weekend with his grandparents and apparently he thinks camping means- limited baths. So- I said…BATHTIME.

It’s not my fault- really. I had NO idea that taking a bathroom was such a punishment. I was never told that children should be allowed to run around with muddy stinky feet and sweaty, oily hair. I just – I didn’t know!

Failure 2:

Then there’s my daughter- You see she still wears pull-ups. Every morning when she wakes up it’s time to change the pullup and get a nice new fresh one. Well, did you know that putting on a clean pullup is TRAGIC!?!?! Again, I had no idea. Here I am thinking I’m finally doing something right and instead I just end up making my precious princess scream and throw her pretty little self on the floor like she’s been hit by a Taser.

Failure 3:

My son asked me if we could go get something to eat for lunch- specifically he wanted huddle house. I told him sure, let’s just get ready. As I’m picking out clothes for everyone my poor son comes in all wound up because we haven’t left yet. It’d only been maybe 5 minutes, I guess I shouldn’t waste time making sure we can all put clothes on and just go in our undies.

Failure 4:

My daughter asked for a sippy cup. I filled her favorite cup up with her favorite juice (Hawaiian punch) as she sat there watching me- making no sound. So I handed it to her.  I failed to realize that when there are two jugs of juice that seem to be the exact same. Same name, brand, size…..EVERYTHING…. I must still select the correct juice to put in the  sippy cup- otherwise it’s just not suitable and will be thrown back at me while the princess points promptly at the correct jug she wishes to have her juice poured from.

Failure 5:

Now I tend to do this one every single day- I try so hard to remember the rule but it ALWAYS seems to slip my mind. You see I always thought that it was proper to use the bathroom and shower by yourself. I mean isn’t it polite to shut the door? NO, IT IS NOT. When you are a parent- the bathroom door should be left open at ALL TIMES. It does not matter why you’re in their children should have access to check on you at all times. They can speak to you while you’re peeing or sit outside the shower door and watch you while you wash…. If you shut the door, you are the WORST PARENT EVER!

So there you have it, I am a failure of a parent. I try so hard- and yet I just can’t get it right. I suppose I should just let my children run the house since they seem to know all the rules and I just can’t grasp the concept!

Am I the only one? Are there others like me? Maybe I should start a support group!

OTHER FAILURES (just for laughs)

  • I allowed my daughter to go outside to play in the pool – she then got wet.
  • When asked for a yahoo I poured the drink from a new can instead of an empty one.
  • A particular restaurant my son wanted to eat at was not open on the particular day he wanted it.
  • I told my son he couldn’t ride his dirtbike without a helmet.
  • Then I told him to slow down.
  • I covered my daughter up with the wrong blanket.
  • I couldn’t make my sons favorite shorts match his favorite shirt.
  • I told my son he didn’t need to eat the whole box of toaster struddles in one sitting.
  • Bought my son new shoes.
  • Told my daughter she couldn’t hold the cat by the tail.
  • I was cleaning while my daughter wanted me to watch “poppy” with her….for the millionth time.
  • Wanted to sleep in my own bed.